Transforming My Life

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How to “Make it Through” Thanksgiving Truly Thankful


Norman Rockwell Thanksgiving

If your Thanksgiving is not a Norman Rockwell Thanksgiving, well, welcome.  You are in the right place.

For many of us, we dread the holidays.  They can be tons of fun and they can be tough.  Holidays have a way of reminding us that things are not what we want them to be.

Relationships are strained.  Our Mother-in law irritates us.  Uncle Al, scares the kids, and to be honest, well, he is creepy.

If you have young kids, they  tend to be unedited and honest about these things.

” Aunt Eleanor’s food always tastes bad. And her eye looks funny.”

We want to hush them up, especially if they are really little and say what they are thinking out loud.

Have you ever experienced the discomfort of a relative wanting to hug and kiss your child?  They come in with arms wide open and bend down, only to have your three-year old run away and say,

“No, no, I don’t want you to hug me!”  And then they add why, or they make a bad face and push them away.  Embarrassing!

As adults we can feel the same way, only we don’t say it out loud.  Let’s just admit it so we stop making our kids bad for telling the truth.

We want to be grateful.  We really do!  I mean, we all know that being grateful is highly rated.

We have the evidence.  The studies have been done.  It even changes our brains for crying out loud!

Most of us listen to Oprah.  Some of us even have gratitude journals.

For those of us who are God fearing, …isn’t it a sin to not be thankful?  Even ungrateful?

If you are reading this and your family is awesome, I am a little jealous, well maybe a lot jealous, and that is a good thing.  You are blessed.  And so are those of us who are in the other camp, the camp of “making it through”.  Or do we?  Do we really just have to “survive” it?  Isn’t there a better way?

We are responsible for our lives.  We have no one else to blame if we are unhappy during the holidays, not our Mother-in-law, not Uncle George, or the mean cousin.  We create our own happiness and our own experiences.

Some of us just need to work a little harder about how we navigate through the holidays.  And the choice is ours.  Will we be miserable or will we choose to create the Thanksgiving we want?(no guilt intended.)

I want to share with you strategies that I have learned to use in my life while navigating through the holidays.  I was tempted to call them survival strategies but that is a defensive statement.  Let’s instead live on the offense.  Instead of reacting, let’s have intention to create what we want.

These are life-giving practices we can all learn to cultivate in order to have greater satisfaction, joy and peace not only during the holidays but on a daily basis.

1.  Be proactive.  Take the time to be intentional to think and plan ahead of time.

What do you want your Thanksgiving to look like? ( no matter what the circumstances may be at the present moment).

Write it out.  Be specific.  If this is tough, sometimes it is easier when we think about what we don’t want.

Are you tired of “doing it all?”  Ask for help.  Have others bring something.  Buy some food dishes already made.  Do you want help setting the table?  Do you like to have someone in the kitchen with you to keep you company?  Play some music.  Music has a powerful way of changing our environment and creating fun and joy.  Take time to ponder those things that bring you joy.  One of the activities that brings my husband and I joy is to take a walk in the morning together and to play a game as a family.  Whatever it is, be intentional and set yourself up for success.

If you are going to someone else’s house, what are some situations that might arise that can trip you up?  Do you have an irritating relative that really gets on your nerves? How can you take care of yourself?

2. If you are married, have a conversation with your husband.  How can you support one another? If you’re not married think of someone else that is supportive.  One year, my husband and I had family over for the holidays and we switched roles.  Historically, he was the one who was in the corner grumpy.(I hate that) I was the one who would plaster a smile on and try to make up for his grumpiness. (Also known as “over-functioning”.  It is exhausting and  a great set-up for being resentful!)

Which leads me to my next life changing practice…

3.  Change it up.  Do something different.  As we reflected on the usual roles we play in  our families, we decided to do it differently.  We talked about how I  wouldn’t over-function and be “phony” as my husband called it, and he would stop being a “jerk” as I called it.  (And by the way, we have not over-come this, we have to regroup at every family event.)  We decided to make a game of it.  He focused on being more cheerful and I fought the urge to over-function.  Strategize on those things that are not working  in your family.  If your husband isn’t open, look at what you can do to more effectively engage with others.

4.  Have compassion. Understand where others are coming from.

I don’t mean to tolerate unacceptable behavior.  I am talking about looking at other’s behavior through a different lens.  Why does Aunt “So and So” go on and on talking about meaningless things?  Could it be she is hungry for attention or affirmation?  Why is a family member grumpy in the corner?  Maybe this is how they learned to protect themselves in the family.  I am not wanting to make excuses here, but realize that most of the time it doesn’t have to do with you.  Don’t take it personally. If you find yourself taking it personally, think about what you want or need to do about it and then work on letting it go.

5.  When you find yourself criticizing others, ask yourself, “Where is the log in my eye?”

Take full responsibility for how you play a role in whatever dynamics there are in your relationships.  You are not a victim.  Think about this one.  What could you do different in the way you respond to others?

Live a life free of blame.   How would you respond if you could not blame the other person. Believe me, this is hard to do.

6.  Allow other people to have their reactions.  They are only reactions.

Just like we desire to have our own opinions and reactions, allow others the same respect.  Does your Mom think your kids are out of control or makes comments under her breath?  What is true about it?  Fight the urge to be defensive.  Stand back objectively.  “Hmm…maybe she is right.  The kids are a little wild.  They are excited, and I don’t agree with my mom on how to discipline.  That is okay.  She can have her opinion and I can have mine.”  Once I started seeing the truth in what my mom said, and quit defending (well, half of the time), it lessened the tension.

It went something like this, “The kids don’t help you around here.  You are doing everything.”  Me – “You know what Mom?  You are right.  I don’t ask them to do enough.  I need to work on that.”  BAM!

7.  Have a sense of humor.  Lighten up and hold things loosely.

Humor keeps us from feeling like something is happening to us (victimhood).  Humor helps us to accept what is.  Humor lightens the load and the desire to control those things we can’t.

8.  Accept the present reality.

This is probably the hardest for me and the most painful.  Acceptance requires I sit in the discomfort of “what is”.

Hurt.  Anger.  Disappointment. Loss.  Sorrow.  Grief.

But, this is the place where we can learn and grow by practicing gratitude. (This calls for another blog entry).  Without struggles, conflict, pain or plain irritation, we wouldn’t need to grow.

Thanksgiving and practicing gratitude requires we look outside of our circumstances, and look to how we can be transformed from them.  

All of us are in the process of becoming…through our circumstances, whatever they may be…

Who will we choose to become?

Grace and peace,

Sheryl

 

 

 


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No Shame On You

beautiful_nature_wallpaper_1920x1200“Love is patient” 1 Corinthians 13:4

 “Love never gives up” The Message Version

Most of us are familiar with the passage on love from 1 Corinthians Chapter 13.  We hear it used at weddings, funerals, and in sermons.  We see these sentiments on plaques and anniversary cards.  These words can be so cliché that we don’t take the time to ponder the impact they can have on how we relate to others and ourselves.

I was reminded the other day how impatient I can be with myself.  Arriving at a school field trip to the Des Plaines River with my 7th grade daughter,  I had not realized I needed to wear boots and jeans.  I began to beat myself up as they were sharing how muddy it was, that we needed to douse ourselves with insect repellant and to make sure to check for ticks.  When they began to tell us to look out for the poison ivy and oak,  my face felt flushed and my heart began to sink.  I looked at the other Mom’s as they turned and looked concerned at my athletic skirt and cute, new sporty shoes I had just purchased last week!   I was so embarrassed.  I was reading their minds, “Doesn’t she read the parents page?  What an air head!  What was she thinking? How irresponsible!  Wow, and I thought I was disorganized!”  All these critical voices were shouting at me.  I had to remind myself to fight the shame.  Thankfully my daughter’s friend’s Mom(I have always liked her and now I really like her!) ran me by her house to loan me a pair of boots and jeans.  I was so grateful I could have cried.  I was tempted to beat myself up and try to save face by repeating how stupid I felt, but I didn’t.  I reminded myself to be patient with my shortcomings, to practice self-love and acceptance.  I gave myself the grace to make mistakes and learn from them.

Shame is toxic and we are no match for shame on our own.  We need safe, compassionate others to be patient with us on this journey.  We need to give ourselves the love and grace we desperately need when we feel shame rearing its ugly head.  Those of us who grew up being held to a standard of perfection, where criticism lurked when we made mistakes, are especially vulnerable to these shaming messages.  I often have to remind myself to be conscious as I parent my own children to not shame them when I am tempted to do just that.

Today I will choose to be patient with myself,

To love myself,

 To accept myself,

Right where I am today,

I will give myself the freedom to make mistakes,

to make things right when I am wrong,

I will choose to love myself apart from the approval of others,

and commit to giving and receiving the gift of patience and grace towards my shortcomings,

imperfections and inadequacies, knowing who I am is more than enough.

Today I will be tender with myself.

Today I will give myself the grace, compassion and self-love that I deserve.

For I am a child of God and

I am loved.

Grace and Peace,

Sheryl

 

 


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The Pharisee in Me

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Jesus came that we may have life and have it abundantly. John 10:10

It is time to stop believing that God loves us for what we do, rather than for who we are. We do not need to be somebody different or get our lives all together in order to be lovable, accepted and matter to God.

I want to be like Jesus, not like a Pharisee.  The definition of a Pharisee is a self-righteous person; a hypocrite. And I know a lot about being a Pharisee.

When I came to Christ(as the saying goes), I would sit in church and think about how good I had become.  I was doing the Christian life “right”.  I cringe to think about my self-righteousness, superiority and how judgmental I can be (I wanted to say was but I had to cross it out).   I am aware that I can have this unspoken agreement with God that if I do everything “right” He will bless me.

Over time, God has gotten my attention in some pretty painful ways and I have been forced to realize how truly broken I am. It is here that I have experienced His mercy and grace. It is from a place of brokenness where I have surprisingly found myself blessed. As I experience His unconditional love and acceptance I am learning what it really means to love others.  This is what I believe it means to be a grace giver, the more I am able to have grace for myself, the more I am able to show grace to others. I am learning that I am lovable with all my flaws, mistakes and failures.  It is here that I become deeply human and loved by God.

I don’t want to miss out on the freedom Jesus brings and the relationship He wants to have with me.  It doesn’t matter what we have done or not done.  Jesus invites each of us to come out of hiding and embrace the life He has to offer. From this place, we are free to share our pain, hurts, and shame.  If we are courageous enough to find others who are on the same path, we begin to discover we are not alone.  We begin to open up and share the shame deep within us that feels flawed, less than, and unlovable.   It is here that we realize Jesus will meet us right where we are.  It is here we are set free to experience the abundant life that He came to give us.

Grace and Peace,

Sheryl


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The Hamster in Your Head

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We all have them!  Thinking patterns that spin around in our heads, sometimes consciously, sometimes unconsciously.  They keep us stuck and limit our happiness whether we recognize them or not.    Usually, these “hamsters”  strike most often when we are feeling vulnerable and exposed.  We might come upon situations in our lives that trigger fear, uncertainty, and feelings of rejection.  It is comforting when a friend reminds me, “It sounds like that hamster is in your head today spinning on his wheel!”   Sometimes it’s nice to know I’m not the only one.

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  Human beings all struggle with thinking that keeps them from fulfilling their potential.  These distorted beliefs hold us back from being successful and connecting with others.  These thoughts attack all areas of our life, social situations, taking healthy risks, and stepping out of our comfort zone .  This sucks our joy and keeps us from deeper relationships.

Let’s identify a few of these limiting beliefs and see if you see yourself in any of these:

“If only I was better looking, thinner, made more money, then……(fill in the blank)

 I am not enough.

If you really knew who I was you wouldn’t like or accept me.

I am not smart enough.  I am not good enough.

I am not lovable because…..(fill in the blank)

This relationship will never get better.

It is no use trying.  Nothing will change.

We all suffer from mistaken beliefs.  If we are willing to have courage to identify them, face them and do the work that we need to do, we can transform the way we think, one day at a time.  As the saying goes, “How do you eat an elephant?  One bite at a time.”  This is a process that we must commit to if we desire lasting change in our lives.

elephant-21 A Certified Life Coach can help you to begin to change your thinking.  Here are a few steps to get you started.

1.  Log your thoughts.  In order to change your thoughts you need to able to recognize what is limiting you.  Keep a journal of what you are thinking and feeling. Note what you think is holding you back, i.e. from reaching out, taking risks  or engaging with others.  What do you believe will happen?  What are you afraid of?

2. Write down a column of your beliefs and another column of new beliefs to replace the lies. Many of our thoughts have to do with what we heard growing up and are simply not true.  We have to work through what we were taught and learn to replace these thoughts with new beliefs.

3.  Modeling –  If you want to lose weight, join Weight Watchers, if you want to run a marathon, join a running group or find a running buddy.   If you want to grow your business,   find a mentor or friend with who has successfully taken this path. There are many business development groups to help you set goals and keep you accountable.

4.  Support- Get around others who will accept you and can speak truth into your life.  When I am feeling discouraged, I call supportive people in my growth group to remind me of  my capabilities, gifts and when I am thinking thoughts that are not true.  They help to lift me up and cheer me on when I feel like giving up.

5.  Have a growth mindset.  Be willing to step out of your comfort zone and make mistakes.  In order to grow you need to be willing to fail and keep on going.  The only way to grow is to be willing to get in the game and play!

Join me on the journey,

Sheryl